The Unholy Mike Hucksterbee

Are you tired and weary of trying to defend your country against theocratic rule? I was, too, until I gave up and decided to go with it. I can show you how to surrender, too. That's why I say bring your tired and weary family and friends and offer them to me, Mike Hucksterbee, who will bear your anger, pain, and disdain, who will turn it all into the benefit of the Creation State, who will save you from the unholy trinity of John, Mitt, and Rudolph, the red-vested schlump--all three represented here in my ad by the three big balls on the cross, sometimes mistaken for a bookshelf, that disappears into my head as the camera pans left. And if you are fresh out of gold, frankincense, and myrhh on this most holy of campaign days, remember that, for me, Reverend Mike, Visa, Mastercard, or American Express will do just fine.